Deserving? . . . Of What?

     Weapons have been made to destroy me. Pride, Arrogance, Hatred, Jealousy, Self-pity . . . sound familiar? Some more than others. Pride is a big one for me . . . Huge in fact. There is something in me that feels like I deserve praise and glory, adoration, love, kindness, friendship. But in reality I deserve nothing. I am nothing. I am scum. I am a worm. I am the dirt the worm eats. Half of my mind circulates this constantly through my head. A constant revolving that keeps me humble. But there is yet another side of my brain. The side that says . . . “You are a great writer, you deserve praise. You are an amazing artist, you deserve glory. You are far better at acting, you deserve adoration. You are a fantastic girl, you deserve love. You are a special person, you deserve kindness. You are the best of friends, you deserve friendship.” And it lingers in my head a lure of the enemy. “They don’t deserve it you do . . . you do.” And I scream, “Get behind me Satan for I am the Lords. I belong to Emmanuel.”

   After that I sing. I open my mouth and give to the one who deserves it, truly deserves it. I give God the glory, adoration, and praise. And in return He gives me something that I don’t deserve . . . Mercy. But He doesn’t stop there . . . Oh no, He doesn’t stop there. I am heaped with love, kindness, peace, holiness, friendship, forgiveness . . . me the scum of the earth? And he whispers, “You-are-worthy . . . for-one-thing-only . . . ME.” And I fall on my knees and cry out,”Woe to me. For I am a girl of unclean lips.” And I weep, I weep. Falling before the feet of Christ. And He, Holy of Holys, wraps is arms around me. He brings me close to Himself. He rocks back and forth and repeats over and over and over again in my ear, what I do not deserve. “I love you,” and he continues, “You belong to me. You were a sinner, but I made you clean because I love you.” He loves me? He loves me? And I pick a flower and pluck the first petal,”He loves me?” and the next is harder to pull because I choke on the words. “He loves me more.” And I laugh. The next one comes loose. “He loves me most of all,” and my tears begin to dry for he wiped them. Wiped them clean. Laughter has filled the air because my heart is filled with joy. And I shout these words to the ends of the earth . . . “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty. To Him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb, be praise and glory and power and honor forever and ever. Forever.

In Christ Alone ~EleyanaFaith

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