I shared with you a couple months ago in my post Wrestling With God that I have felt a distance between me and Jesus. At the time I did not know what it was, but I now do and I thought I should just give you an update.
Ever since I can remember, even from before I had known what it meant to be saved and before the Holy Spirit made me His temple, I have felt the presence of God in powerful ways. His Spirit has literally come and rested upon me and I could feel it in a way that I can’t explain. But it was always something that I felt. I got used to this feeling representing God, when it was there it meant He was there. When it wasn’t, which it nearly never was, I felt as if He had left for some reason… Usually I explained it with unconfessed sins.
A couple of years ago He began, in small ways, to take the feeling away and I would spend hours in personal confession trying to figure out what I had done to deserve His absence. Sometimes I wouldn’t be able to reconnect myself with the feeling and after doing all I could do to try and feel or hear God with no success I would go into times of deep despair. Sometimes I would cry late into the night. But this happened in such a small degree it did not completely alarm me.
But then, all of the sudden God was nowhere to be found.
I could not not feel Him and I could not hear Him for weeks.
I went to a worship service and asked someone to pray for me. I told them exactly what had happened and the man told me, “Maybe you are so used to commuting to God in this one way that it has become unhealthy and He is trying to teach you a different way to know Him.”
Thank you, Father for putting this wisdom in the mouth of my brother. I know it was from You!
I began to meditate on what this man had said and I knew that this was indeed what God was doing. It took me a while to fully digest what it meant and how it would apply to my life, but at least I wasn’t fumbling in the dark anymore.
God is working in me. He is pulling at my heart and molding it to His design.
I was too used to the “spiritual highs” of the Spirit, that I had lost the truth of what it meant to truly trust in The Lord. I had forgotten the truth that not everyone experiences the move of God through feelings, but many must know Him by what He has written in His Word.
It has been a hard road, indeed. I have been through many a deep soul struggle through the midst of this. Many a confusing battle within my head and heart. Many a doubting of my faith.
But GOD IS GOOD!! He is teaching me, and I am thankful for His lesson.
He has given me a word to think upon and to make my own. It sums up the work that He is doing. If my life was a book this chapter would be called this…
WAIT: Wait on The Lord.
It is a treasure that I found in the Psalms and Prophets. It is often repeated and most likely a favorite phrase of its Author.
“Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage. Wait for the LORD” – Psalm 27:14
“I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.” – Psalm 130:5
“But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” – Micah 7:7
“I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the descendants of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.” – Isaiah 8:17
“It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.” – Lamentations 3:26
“Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him.” – Psalm 37:7
As I have been meditating on this, I have learned to not rely any longer on the feelings or hearings I have been so accustomed to. I no longer worry about my relationship with God for IT IS FIRM. I know my God and He IS GOOD!
I’m trusting Him, and obeying Him, and leaning into Him. And what a comfort it is to me. I have the spirit of peace and joy I have lacked for a long while and my soul is bursting to PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!!
Dear Abba! Thank you for this new lesson You are teaching me. How caught up we Christians get. We think we know You, but then You begin to teach us something new – a new facet of Your magnitude – and we freak out at the unknown. But really, it is such a big blessing. I praise You for what You are showing me and the work You are doing in my heart! YOU ARE GOOD! And I love You so very much.
Well, Lord. You have told me to wait. That is what I will do. I will wait and listen. I am ready for You to talk. I will wait as long as it takes. Until then, trust and obey.
Trust and Obey. For there is no other way. To be happy in Jesus. But to Trust and Obey.
Your faithful loving daughter…
In Christ Alone~EleyanaFaith